A thought provoking day

This may be a bit rambly, long winded, confusing...but that's how I think! So hang in there readers!

Yesterday, Sunday, was a very odd day. A very sad day. My uncle has been very sick for a long time. He was in a nursing home. He started out in his own apartment, where they do your sheets and towels, cook for you and serve in a main dining room...that kind of thing. But not too long after being there, he began to have problems. Actually now that I think about it, the real problems seem to have started after a dental treatment in which the dentist gave him the wrong antibiotics. Anyway, he deteriorated to the point of being in and out of awareness, not eating, not talking, on oxygen, not getting out of bed at all, losing weight...
His one daughter, my cousin, lives here, near him. She takes care of him, sees him almost daily and puts up with all his stuff. The other daughter lives in Oregon and sees him when she is here.
Well, my uncle was doing very poorly and they didn't know how long he had. It could be days, or weeks, but nothing in a way that was good. He had no life.

So the cousin came down from Oregon. She and her sister were with their dad, just waiting, talking to him off and on. My other cousin and I went to see them on Sunday afternoon so that we could see the cousin from Oregon. I was in shock at how differently my uncle looked. It's been a while, 6 months or longer, since I'd seen him. If I had been looking for him I would have passed right by his room knowing that man wasn't him. It couldn't be.
Well, we visited for a while, then decided to go have a quick lunch. The four of us were only gone 30, 40 minutes and my cousin gets a call from her son, telling her the home just called and her dad had passed away.

We knew it could come at any time, but it was still a shock. I went thru a myriad of feelings...from we should have never gone to lunch, (guilt) to maybe that's why we were put in this situation to keep the cousins from having to watch their father die (mabye useful) to I didn't even say good bye (guilt again) to even feeling thankful that he no longer looked like my dad so that it wasn't so hard for me (feeling very selfish). I didn't know what to do, there was no point to rush, but wanting to get them back. Wanting to help in some way, but there was no way to help. Wanting to comfort, knowing that the hard stuff is still coming.

As I was driving home I got to thinking about all the family I have lost. My dad came from a family with 7 girls and 3 boys. My dad was the youngest. Each of them were married. I knew and loved all those people. With my uncle gone, there is now only one aunt left. I was thinking about all the grave stones with all the different names, about how I used to visit those people and now they are gone. Wondering how strange it must feel to be the one sister left. Her whole family, just gone. Then I got to thinking about my grandparents that died, my parents, my brother and sister even though I never met them. And the countless amounts of friends with CF. So many people gone.

Today I just read an email from yet another cousin of mine :) and her mother in law passed today. I never knew her but it just seemed to make me sink a little lower.

I'm not depressed, but just a lingering saddness. Again with the feelings of needing to say kind things to people, of wanting people to understand that life is too darn short and you need to take care of things. Today I went to lunch with a friend on the spur of the moment. I didn't want to go because I had so much to do today. But I went and had a nice time. The house, the yard, all that will be here tomorrow. I don't intend to not ever do anything agian using life is too short as an excuse to excape my responsibilities, but I need to put it in perspective and get my priorities straight. I try to do a good job of that, but I want to do better.

I also want to learn to not feel so guilty. It wasn't my fault we went to lunch at that time, it wasn't my fault my uncle died while we were gone. And as for the past, it wasn't my fault that my dad died. I couldn't have stopped it. I still FEEL like maybe I could, but my brain is saying I couldn't and let it go. So I'm going to try. I will try to stop feeling guilty all the time for so many things, like not being the kind of wife I want to be because I'm so tired all the time. I can't help it. I need to stop beating myself up for being afraid.

I could go on and on. My brain is still running in circles from yesterday.
I hope my uncle is in a better place and that he is at peace now. He was not happy for so long.
Maybe he and my dad are raising some kind of hell, riding motorcycles and visiting with all the other family that is up there.

It is just odd, to be so close to death, but knowing that it really doesn't effect me ( I didn't know my uncle that well, he lived in Arkansas all his life). It is odd how life just goes on. It's like it should stop for just a minute to acknowledge what has happened. It is so odd to wonder what's after, if anything. It's sad to really think about all the people you've lost and even how you lost them. It's sad to think of when it will happen to you, will anyone remember you, think about you, or do you just cease to exist in the minds of those who come after you. I have no children, so I expect I will quickly fade away. So sad.