same story different day

Boy I bet you all are tired of reading this stuff. Let's see. I've been depressed since Saturday. There is really no reason, just am. I get up in the middle of the night and cry, no reason, just do.
I try to keep myself busy during the day so I don't notice being alone and so I'll be tired at night. But I have been having terrible insomnia again. I go to sleep very late and then after only a couple of hours I wake up. I'm so tired but can't go back to sleep. It is so frustrating.
Right now I have more time alone and I have lots to do. Much housework or closet cleaning that really needs to be done. I want to work on the guest room. I have a bunch of weeds to pull. The list of chores is endless but I don't want to do them. I can work on my bag, I really want to finish it but I don't. I can knit and watch TV but I'm sick of that. I can go to the mall and spend my gift certificates, but it's so hard carrying 02. It makes my back just ache. I can go Orchard and buy yard stuff, but I don't want to. I don't know what I want to do.

Last night I took my friend that is in the hospital a goodie bag. I hoped it would just give her a little smile and something to do. She is in the hospital with CF, pulmonary hypertension and waiting for a transplant. She is #1 on the list at USC. She is my age and just got married in March. She workes on an adult CF newsletter, is so sweet. I just wanted to do something nice. I brought a book to read, crossword puzzle book, a drawing pad and colored pencils, a coloring book and crayons (in case she is artistically challenged like me) a little cross stitch a bag of candy and a beany baby and a game of Uno. I figured if she didn't want to eat the candy she could use it to bribe the nurses! When I got to USC, she and her brand new husband were sitting outside on a bench. So I gave her the bag and we talked for a while. She didn't once look in the bag and when I left she and her husband weren't looking in it still. I hope she isn't mad that I did that, or worried about germs. I think others are much more cautious than I am. I don't think I would have left germs behind. Was I being stupid? I hope I didn't do something wrong. She seemed a little embarrassed that I was there. Maybe she and her husband were discussing "things" and I interrupted. Anyway, maybe it's just my frame of mind right now too. Who knows.

I had lunch with my other friend who is also sick, not with CF though. He is moving next month and I am so worried about him. I hope he gets the proper medical care and insists on treatment right away. I don't see him much here now, but I will miss him.

Tonite I'm running a temp again. 100.6. I've only been off of IV"s since April 27. I hope it is just a one day thing. It is hot out.

So, I've been wanting to write, but feel like I have to write something deep or exciting because people read this. But I guess it is for me, not for others. Kelly reminded me of that. So if no one wants to read because of the same old boring story over and over, I totally understand!!
I get tired of me but don't seem to be able to get a handle on it. I want to plant flowers and make my yard look great. I don't think I should be in the dirt that much, especially if I'm going to run a fever. I want to feel like doing all kinds of things, but I don't. More bills have come up that are not being paid, for my first surgery in Feb. One for $1200 and one for $4836. The insurance says they have not been sent the proper information. Does that story sound familiar? But this time it is the insurance telling me, not the SHPS that supposedly makes the decisions. So who's making the decision on this one? It'll get settled I'm sure. I was bleeding like a stuck pig for goodness sake. Ok, I guess I'll quit. I just feel like this is my only connection to anyone right now. I surely can't call and whine all the time! Well, back to TV.