And the beat goes on....

Well, I talked to the collection agency today. They are not calling about what I expected, they are calling about another bill from the same time period. They are calling about a Unilab bill, from September of 2001. I can't believe they are still trying to collect 5 years later. It is so ridiculous. They claimed they've called and left messages many times, then said they spoke to me in 2002. I'm supposed to remember that? They even claimed they sent me all these letters, then rattled off my address at the same time I was speaking, trying to prove how smart they are. Well, they had the wrong address, so obviously no letters came here. It is another bill not paid by Kelly's insurance. When his company got bought out, it seems they just let all this stuff go untaken care of and now the customers are supposed to pay. It is so mean. We paid our premiums for a reason...

I get so upset and mad so very quickly and it is so hard to let it go.

Tonite I went to the mall to walk and I didn't think I was going to make it. Something bothered me as soon as I walked in the mall, I started coughing so bad and having nasal drip, but I thought it was because the store is a mess, it is going out of business and things are a disasterand that there must be a lot of dust in the air. But the more I walked the worse it got. I fianlly went in a restroom to do what I knew of to stop it, but nothing worked. Then I had to try to get back to the other end of the mall. Aside from trying not to wet my pants, I just kept thinking of my friend who coughed so hard she blew a hole in her lung that led to her death. What if something like that happens to me and no one is around to help me. What would I do?

I am so mad at being scared all the time. I used to be so independent. I didn't need anyone. I liked it that way. I had people around me because I wanted to not because I needed to. Now I am afraid to do most things alone....always what if. What if I bleed to death. what if my lung collapses. What if I pass out from lack of air. What if I do wet my pants from coughing so hard. Won't kill me except for dying of humiliation.

I'm mad at stupid companies that don't do their job properly so it hurts others. Medical companies, insurance companies..

I'm mad at being mad. I' m mad at things being hard. I'm mad at being worthless to this world.
I'm mad at being broke. I'm mad at not being able to help financially. I'm mad at not knowing what to do with my life, with my health, with everything.

So it's been another wonderful day in the land of CF ville. Depression is coming on and I'm trying to hold it at bay. It happens so often now. I can feel it coming and try not to give in to it. I cleaned house today, even though all I wanted to do was sit. I went to the mall because Kelly was gone and I didn't want to sit and dwell on things. That got me no where! Depression runs in my family, but I don't know if it is hereditary or if it's just my situation. I started feeling this way before the phone call, that just pushed it along. I hope I can snap out of it quickly. I'm certainly no fun any more. I'm even tired of me. Guess it's a good thing no one is really reading this because they'd stop by now! Whaw, poor me.
Get over it.