Today would have been Carol's 45 birthday. She would have been so happy to have another birthday but would have been so sad she was getting older. I think it's a female thing. In a few days it will be 2 months since she died. I miss you.
I have been sad a lot. Depression is like a black sea that I am in the center of and can't see the shoreline. I tread water but it is a heavy thick water that slowly pulls me down. I look around and everything reminds me of her. I have tried to do what I can, but nothing takes the pain away.
I tried to go back to work but could not control my emotions and I couldn't seem to concentrate very long on anything. I plan on returning to work on the 30 of May. That gives me a month to get my shit together.
I'm not sure why I'm writing here. This is Caro's blog. She expressed herself here the life she had one day at a time with Cystic Fibrosis. But today was her birthday and I didn't want it to go unnoticed. I don't think anyone comes here anymore anyway.
Carol, I hurt still and miss you so bad...
#1fan
About Me
- Carol S--CF girl
- I'm a 40 something year old woman with Cystic Fibrosis. I am married to a wonderful man named Kelly and we have two crazy cats that we love like our kids.
7 comments:
We're still here, Kel. We are hurting with you and missing Carol, too. I had a dream that I saw her walking past and waving her cheerful hello. I woke up smiling, but wanted to go back and have a chat.
A person in class asked, "Do you know where there's a Deaf church?" No, but Carol does, I almost answered.
When class started on Friday night (the fourth, not the first of the session), I looked around and wondered where she was.
In the bigger scheme of things, I want to know where she is. I don't expect to find her here, or on her other page, but I look all the time just the same.
Shan
We are still here, indeed -- Visiting this space almost every day, looking for notes and remembrances.
Carol's birthday surely was a day of bittersweet memory; a day she would've loved celebrating with you, Kelly. (Somehow, I know she was with you.)
As sad as we all are in her physical absence, I know our sorrow pales in comparison to losing your life's mate.
Please know that we are here for YOU ...
Love, Cousin Kim (WA)
Kelly,
I didn't forget Carol's birthday on Monday, either. Thought about her all day. She is on my mind alot. Time will help you get used to her loss, not over it. But the fact is, this grief is still new and raw and in the first stages, so don't feel you're not moving ahead quickly enough. There's no time limit on this. When you lose your love, you lose your way for awhile.
You said you're taking the rest of the month off. Surround yourself with your memories. There is a saying: "In the evening, when every sound lies sleeping, when all the doors are shut and the soul is open, memories, like quiet visitors, arrive."
You must, of course, get back to the business of everyday life soon enough, as that is the reality of life, even though your loss of Carol will take much longer and some parts of it will take your lifetime.
Also, remember there are those of us who are thinking of you as you go through this, and that you are not alone. Call on us for help when you need it.
Cousin Merle
Carol's birthday was on my calendar and I have been thinking about her and you. I pass near your house on my way to work many days and wonder how you are doing. Even if you think you aren't making progress, you are just by making it through every day. Slowly the reminders that break your heart will bring it joy a little at a time and though you still will feel the loss, you will smile as you remember the amazing love and wonderful times you shared with Carol. Carol will always be remembered as young and beautiful, a giving person who meant so much to so many. She would be so proud of that.
Take care of yourself and your kitties.
Love,
Carrie
Yes, we are still here Kelly. I still visit this blog to remember Carol. I always ask Roy if he has heard from you and ask how you are doing. Stay strong Kelly and know that Roy and I are here for you.
Carol
Kelly -
I'm late as usual for her birthday, but have been thinking of her hard this week. Still can't believe its true - she is the friend I've known the longest and I think she understood me like no one else can, having gone through all of those years together. I miss her and miss her and miss her.
I was sad to see your blog - I don't know why I thought it would be different, I can't imagine what it must be like living in the same place you lived with her. I just keep hoping you are going to be OK, and I know with time you will be.
Hang in there.
Michele W.
Kelly,
In my work at the library, I come across wonderful books all the time. This morning, "Healing Your Grieving Heart - 100 Practical Ideas" by Alan D. Wolfelt serendipitiously appeared. Here's #1:
"Understand the difference between grief and mourning:
*Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies.
*Mourning is the outward expression of grief.
*Everyone who has the capacity to give and receive love grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
*Mourning this death, expressing your grief outside of yourself with the support of others, will allow the mourning to become healing.
Ask yourself this: Have I been mourning this death or have I restricted myself to grieving?"
Please feel free to share your mourning with whomever you feel safe. There are many of us - both near and far - who offer our love, support and care, as you move through these difficult days/weeks/months... I know Carol would feel that she is still very much a part of life and love if you were to continue her blog as part of your own healing.
Love, Cousin Kim (WA)
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