Last post

Hi everyone. This is my last post on Carol's blog. I have started my own here. I want to thank everyone who came here everyday or once in a great while. You'll never know who much it meant to her that people read what she wrote and shared her pain and joy of life.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the best day I've had since, well... since. I genuinely felt good and happy. Not in a manic way like "I'm going to be happy if it kills me". But I felt centered, grounded and focused. I thought I'd just share that with everyone because the last post seemed kind of bleak. I am amazed ever day about this process of loss. The process of losing love is equal to having it. Simply amazing. For me anyway. From what everyone says, it's different for everyone.

Some of you may or may not know that a friend of mine died six days after Carol. I am very close now with his wife, Jess. In all of this, it is nice to know I'm not alone with the loss. We talk and hang out a lot. For awhile we thought about getting T-Shirts made that say "It sucks to be Us." I was told about a service called the Grief Recovery Institute. I looked it up and checked it out. I talked to Jess about it and we both signed up. It is for three days in Sherman Oaks on the 22 June. We both are committed to getting through this. We both don't want to be the person who 5 years later, can't walk down a Hallmark isle in a food store. We both want to continue living life and enjoying everything it has to offer.

I've been exercising, sleeping better, praying, meditating, writing in a journal, and staying close to friends. I'm not sure which one is working to help me so I think I'll keep doing all of it. My gratitude goes out to everyone who has called, email, and come over to check on me. I may not return your call but know that it helps a lot.

Well, I'm not as good as Carol at blogging but I try.

May 7, 1962

Today would have been Carol's 45 birthday. She would have been so happy to have another birthday but would have been so sad she was getting older. I think it's a female thing. In a few days it will be 2 months since she died. I miss you.

I have been sad a lot. Depression is like a black sea that I am in the center of and can't see the shoreline. I tread water but it is a heavy thick water that slowly pulls me down. I look around and everything reminds me of her. I have tried to do what I can, but nothing takes the pain away.

I tried to go back to work but could not control my emotions and I couldn't seem to concentrate very long on anything. I plan on returning to work on the 30 of May. That gives me a month to get my shit together.

I'm not sure why I'm writing here. This is Caro's blog. She expressed herself here the life she had one day at a time with Cystic Fibrosis. But today was her birthday and I didn't want it to go unnoticed. I don't think anyone comes here anymore anyway.

Carol, I hurt still and miss you so bad...

#1fan

Carol's first post

Almost a year to the day, Carol made this her first post.

Thought I'd let her tell it in her own words.

Kel

Carol Sweeten 1962 - 2007

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Update: 16 March 2007

Viewing will be on Wednesday, March 21, 2007, Family from 4 to 5 P.M. and all others from 5 to 8 P.M. for friends, at Todd Memorial Chapel, 570 North Garey Avenue, Pomona, CA, (909) 622-1217.

Her funeral will be graveside services at Pomona Cemetery 502 E. Franklin Ave. Pomona, CA 91766 at 11 A.M. on Thursday, March 22, 2007.

Kelly has invited everyone back to the family home in Upland, 1362 Darlington Avenue, after the services.

Everyone who wants to attend are welcome to come. Everyone.

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Carol died today. I will post more later.
I'm not doing good right now.

Kel

Two topics, Lungs and my weekend

First, lungs. Well, I had an interesting call last week, that I have had to take time to digest. My transplant coordinator from USC called. He, another nurse and the social worker were in the room with me on speaker phone. They wanted to talk to me about living donor transplant. They are worried about my bleeding and they don't want me to have any more embolization surgeries as they are so risky. As I've talked about, each time I go in I risk paralyzation, stroke, numbness, or chronic pain. Also, all the extra veins and arteries growing into my lungs, makes the transplant harder. Also as I have said, with my blood type and size, it will be a long wait till a cadaver comes available. So they are worried and told me it might be a good idea to start looking for donors.

That scared me and I had to wait a while to think. Then I emailed my wonderful cousin Darrell about my situation and ultimately asked him if he would consider donating a lobe. He was willing to talk about it and help if he could. So I called and he was actually excited about helping me. He had talked to a doctor friend of his and gathered a little information, but to no avail. He is the wrong blood type. Thanks anyway Darrell, I thank you for wanting to help!

So while I have one potential donor (my best friends daughter) I need to line up several more to be tested as I don't even know if she will work out. So here is what I need.
O+ blood type. No smoking, or having not smoked for a lot of years. Under the age of 55.
5'10" or taller. They said look at tall males, but my friends daughter is 5'11 so it doesn't have to be male.

I feel really weird and awkward asking everyone, but it seems a lot of people read this and maybe someone will know someone who fits the bill and would want to be tested as a donor.
I know some people want no part of it! and that is ok! I have no problem with people not wanting to donate. But some people know people who would love to help, but I can't think of who they are, so maybe they'll write to me. My email is cutecarols@gmail.com

On a good note, they said my antigens are 0, so my chance of rejection is really low! Yahoo, one good news.

Now lobe donors, line up! hee ehee

As for my weekend, Kelly and I went to Michelle's in Arizona. We had a really nice time. I went out shopping a little bit (only a little cuz there isn't much there) and out to eat. The wind was blowing so hard I had to cover my nose so that I could breathe in my 02. I was so tired by the end of the day, but it was nice. We got there late Friday, leaving after Kelly got off work and then left Sunday after I got ready, so we really only had Saturday to play around. Kelly went to play craps on Saturday night. He actually doubled his money! Yipee. Kelly and I like road trips and being together so it was nice. The drive, not so nice. Lots of traffic. I feel sorry for people who live in the high desert and have to do that commute every day. yikes!

So that's it for me. Contemplating not making it to transplant, having to ask people for a body part just in case, hoping I don't bleed any more before a cadaveric transplant...and going to cut quilt parts at my sisters tomorrow night. That will be a blog in itself!

Lizzy from the United Kingdom, how do I get on your blog? When I click on your name in the comments section, it shows me your profile, but no way to get to your blog. If you know what I should do, let me know. I'd love to read your blog!